It’s been nearly five years since I’ve written. I’ve married, I’ve born a son, I’ve suffered loss, I’ve rejoiced in new life, I’ve grown, I’ve shrunk, I’ve lived, and I’ve died. Five years is a long time, but nothing eternal has changed. I still fight the same flesh to serve the same Kingdom. I’m a different person, but the same soul. I’m a new man, but an old friend. I’m a constant enemy, yet an inconsistent ally.
Tomorrow is Easter, 2015. My son is two months old. I’ve been married for almost three years, and I now oversee the worship ministry at Calvary Houston. I believe in life. Life, I will never stop believing in you. I believe life is a chance- a chance to be something- a chance to do something. I may look back in 10 years and wonder where this zeal has gone, but today I am passionate about the Kingdom, and passionate about the air I breathe.
Here comes the struggle. Yes, we all wish the catch-up blog could be nothing but positive, but let’s face it- I only write when I’m in pain. The struggle, the fight, is more evident tonight than ever. There will always be something wrong, until all the wrongs are made right. Simple? It is indeed, but acceptance is not an easy task. Let me further explain what has caused this realization in me.
I am fairly consistently afraid of something. It’s almost as if I spend my time trying to figure out what I should be afraid of, so I won’t forget to be afraid of it. Have you ever had a to do list? You make it because you feel like you’re always forgetting what you’re supposed to be doing. Well I am always checking the back of my brain for what I am supposed to fear. What I am supposed to worry over, or freak out about. These are the ghosts in my attic, the skeletons in my closet, the bats in my bell-tower. I am always- always- afraid.
Perhaps this fear is healthy, or perhaps it’s the worst sickness a man can have. To not be able to enjoy anything for fear of what could be, or is at the moment, going wrong. This is the fight.
Yes, it’s true, Jesus made it very clear, not to worry about your life, but to seek firs that Kingdom of God. and yes, the new testament writer made it very clear that we are to be anxious for NOTHING. However, I still find myself checking that imaginary list of “to-worries”. I don’t want to fight this list anymore, but if I surrender will I miss something, will it amount to irresponsibility?
My greatest enemy is the fear within myself.
Where is the healing in all of this? Great question. Contentment? Absolutely. Surrender. For sure! Positive thinking? Of course! But these things, to me are not the cure. If they were the cure, then I would have taken them as medicine by now. For something to be a cure, it must not only be the opposite, but the solution. I find that these things are the opposites of worry (as being healthy is the opposite of being sick) and therefore I am still left in the waiting room of the ER.
Then what is the cure?
“Let me know that you hear me, let me know your touch, let me know that you love me, and let that be enough.”