Seldom have I had more to say, yet been so silent. I feel as if I have a thousand things to say and not a single world to begin with. Why? Quite possibly in part because I don’t feel like I’ve comprehended it all, I don’t feel like I’ve truly experienced all the things I’ve experienced. I feel like for some reason I’ve remained outside of alot that I has happened over the last few months. Places I’ve been, people I’ve met, the sins I’ve committed and the grace that I’ve received. So much has happened, things of beauty, like songs and growth and Love, and things of pain like regret, self-analysis, and misplacement of all of my hope. God has been refining me, I suppose, more than anything, however for me to say that I have arrived would be a very false statement. I feel, now more than ever, the words of Psalm 23 coming to life. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.
I’ve written before of being found in Christ, and in Christ alone, but I found myself seeking a place to call my own in this world. This resulted in alot of pain. But then transpired into alot of beauty as I returned to the only Place I truly will belong. I’m a stranger in this world. As often as we say that, we don’t fully understand it until we feel the emptiness of being alone, the weight of bearing our own sin, and the unrest of putting burdens on the ones you love most. I find time and time again how much the arms of God far surpass anything this world has ever portrayed as home.
There’s so much to learn in life. So many hopes and desires I have. Me, being the dreamer that I am, I find myself so often looking for more. And while sometimes I see the fault in this, most often when I’m in the error of discontentment, there are other times when I see this as more of a blessing than a curse. To desire more of the Lord in my life, more of His Holy Spirit flooding my soul and my veins, more of His will being accomplished through me, and more of the kind of selfless, obedient love leaving my heart and gently covering another human, like a cool breeze in the middle of a summer heat.
It’s quite possible that I’m rambling, I suppose I do that abit when so much has happened of which I can’t begin to explain or write out details. It feels like I’m trying to describe the ocean to someone who’s never swam in it’s depths when I try to cover the content of my life in any span of time, but nevertheless, here it goes:
Contentment– Never have I realized more fully that contentment is not found by looking to anything in this entire world. The things I think will satisfy me never do, and the more expectations I put on this world, the dimmer the shine of it’s so called excitement. It’s incredible the fulfillment we find in looking to One we can’t see to be everything we need. He did indeed create the world and everything in it for out enjoyment and for our pleasure but it’s when we take the things he created for us and start to put our hope for satisfaction in them, when we start to worship them, that our world begins to fall apart. When we truly call God our everything and find our satisfaction and fulfillment in Him, we can enjoy the things He has created for us and Love, purely, the one’s He has put in our lives. It’s more than beautiful to be satisfied in our Heavenly Father.
Heart’s Desire- The Lord knows the things we dream about. The days we slip off into thoughts of the future, He slips off with us. He puts desires in our hearts for a reason, but do we then have the humility to trust Him with them? To have the kind of faith in Him that knows how much He loves us and then is completely open and content with whatever He has in store, whether it is exactly what we imagined, though not very probable, or something completely different, yet better, than anything we could fathom. God has a way of surpassing our expectations. Giving us things we never dreamed of. But this does not generally occur when we’re so busy holding on for dear life to something-some dream- that so pales in comparison to His will. It’s not that God doesn’t care about that of which we dream, much more the opposite, it’s just that things from the view of Heaven are quite different from here in our limited, hindered, visionless world, and our God cares about us enough to show it.
Love– Though the Lord has my heart and love and my home will forever be in Him, I find myself in a beautiful relationship that God created to portray the love He has for us. I’m in Love with a girl who is worth the entire world and more, and the more I find myself in God the closer I get to being what she deserves. She is the most caring, kind, considerate, real, loving person I know and I am in awe of who she is. Never have I seen such a beautiful portrayal of God’s love in a human. She has gone through hell and back for me and still looks at me like I’m worth every bit of it. Why? I ask myself this very question everyday before I give up and just thank my God for such a wonderful gift. I only pray I love not in word or tongue alone but in deed and in truth. Only God, my Father, my Teacher, my Guide, and my Everything can transform me from a selfish, empty man, into someone who Loves like He Loves, and someone who treats her as He treats us. She is beautiful in every way and anytime she forgets it I will gladly remind her. I love her, and I’m not afraid to say it. I pray He gives me grace enough to live it.