I’ve written before of being found in Christ, and in Christ alone, but I found myself seeking a place to call my own in this world. This resulted in alot of pain. But then transpired into alot of beauty as I returned to the only Place I truly will belong. I’m a stranger in this world. As often as we say that, we don’t fully understand it until we feel the emptiness of being alone, the weight of bearing our own sin, and the unrest of putting burdens on the ones you love most. I find time and time again how much the arms of God far surpass anything this world has ever portrayed as home.

There’s so much to learn in life. So many hopes and desires I have. Me, being the dreamer that I am, I find myself so often looking for more. And while sometimes I see the fault in this, most often when I’m in the error of discontentment, there are other times when I see this as more of a blessing than a curse. To desire more of the Lord in my life, more of His Holy Spirit flooding my soul and my veins, more of His will being accomplished through me, and more of the kind of selfless, obedient love leaving my heart and gently covering another human, like a cool breeze in the middle of a summer heat.

It’s quite possible that I’m rambling, I suppose I do that abit when so much has happened of which I can’t begin to explain or write out details. It feels like I’m trying to describe the ocean to someone who’s never swam in it’s depths when I try to cover the content of my life in any span of time, but nevertheless, here it goes:

Contentment- Never have I realized more fully that contentment is not found by looking to anything in this entire world. The things I think will satisfy me never do, and the more expectations I put on this world, the dimmer the shine of it’s so called excitement. It’s incredible the fulfillment we find in looking to One we can’t see to be everything we need. He did indeed create the world and everything in it for out enjoyment and for our pleasure but it’s when we take the things he created for us and start to put our hope for satisfaction in them, when we start to worship them, that our world begins to fall apart. When we truly call God our everything and find our satisfaction and fulfillment in Him, we can enjoy the things He has created for us and Love, purely, the one’s He has put in our lives. It’s more than beautiful to be satisfied in our Heavenly Father.

Heart’s Desire- The Lord knows the things we dream about. The days we slip off into thoughts of the future, He slips off with us. He puts desires in our hearts for a reason, but do we then have the humility to trust Him with them? To have the kind of faith in Him that knows how much He loves us and then is completely open and content with whatever He has in store, whether it is exactly what we imagined, though not very probable, or something completely different, yet better, than anything we could fathom. God has a way of surpassing our expectations. Giving us things we never dreamed of. But this does not generally occur when we’re so busy holding on for dear life to something-some dream- that so pales in comparison to His will. It’s not that God doesn’t care about that of which we dream, much more the opposite, it’s just that things from the view of Heaven are quite different from here in our limited, hindered, visionless world, and our God cares about us enough to show it.

Love- Though the Lord has my heart and love and my home will forever be in Him, I find myself in a beautiful relationship that God created to portray the love He has for us. I’m in Love  with a girl who is worth the entire world and more, and the more I find myself in God the closer I get to being what she deserves. She is the most caring, kind, considerate, real,  loving person I know and I am in awe of who she is. Never have I seen such a beautiful portrayal of God’s love in a human. She has gone through hell and back for me and still looks at me like I’m worth every bit of it. Why? I ask myself this very question everyday before I give up and just thank my God for such a wonderful gift. I only pray I love not in word or tongue alone but in deed and in truth. Only God, my Father, my Teacher, my Guide, and my Everything can transform me from a selfish, empty man, into someone who Loves like He Loves, and someone who treats her as He treats us. She is beautiful in every way and anytime she forgets it I will gladly remind her. I love her, and I’m not afraid to say it. I pray He gives me grace enough to live it.

Each one of us were orphans before Our heavenly Father adopted us. We were lost, alone, broken, without hope. And then Christ, our Redeemer and Rescuer died for you. For me. For my best friend. He took us from the sin that we ate and the pain that we held and brought us into His house to call us His kids. I think I cried today because I was looking at this need and I realized I couldn’t fix it all. Jesus looked at our need and fixed it all. But then He fills us with His Spirit to do His work. Since He has remembered our pain us let us remember the pain of others. There are millions of kids in the world dying for a lack of food. As the UN estimates about 30,000 kids die everyday of hunger. But there are also millions of kids dying spiritual deaths and going to hell. These kids need the love of Christ shown to them. My heart just broke again as i typed that. Please Pray for the kids you know who do not know Christ.

Brothers and sisters, please don’t forget the adoption with which each of us have been adopted. For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs–heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together. Rom 8:14-17

The second letter that Baraka sent me inspired me so much and I pray it does you as well. Baraka wrote, “Tanner Smith, Baraka greets you saying that he is fine, and he hopes that you are fine too. He thanks you to receive your letter once again so recently. He feels very good that you remember and care for him so much. He says that he is going well in his studies and he has now joined standard one, he enjoys his studies and his favorite subject is mathmatics. He is so much eager to speak english he hopes that he will make it. He to his surprise you also like to speak swahili. He is so much happy to know that..” haha I told him I would like to speak it.. not that I did.. haha “… he is very much thankful for the nice picture you drew for him. They are so beautiful, he has also drawn for you.” … At the bottom of the page he drew me a picture of a tree and what looks like a human haha “… He is also very thankful that you prayed for him to be filled with the Holy Spirit. He prays so much for you that God might bless you abundantly.    Your love, Baraka”

Please Pray for baraka and his sister. And pray that she gets sponsered and that they both know Christ, most importantly. And I want to publicly thank my best friend for being broken with me and letting me vent it out today. You are amazing, and I thank God for you erin. Also I’d just like to say how awesome it is that I sponsor a kid who, at least in his letters, refers to himself in the third person Keep these kids on your hearts folks and trust that God hears their prayers. And if there’s anyway you can help. please do.

For we walk by faith, not by sight. -2 Cor 5:7

But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. -Rom 8:25

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: “For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.” Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Rom 8:35-39

Love is a gift, that I cannot deny. And the sun gives a day it’s glorious light. But a blind man is lonely and lost in the dark, I’m a blind man who’s only got one broken heart. But right when it breaks it’s ready to be healed. And right when it rips open it’s set to be sealed. Oh God you are God. And Life is in You. And In you alone is peace and absolute. She is one of your kids and I can’t thank you enough for sending her to me when all turns to tough. Like is a sail, and the sea is a girl. She cries when she’s happy, she makes the prettiest pearls. The sun can stop looking at her long flowing waves and God sends it round to bring us nightime and day. But day or night, don’t fear what you can’t see. Cause life is a sail and God’s setting us free.

If I could turn my attention to a slightly different point on the same topic…

Tears are so bitterweet. They are somthing that when I see come from anothers eyes, I want to wipe every single one away and throw them into the sea. But at the same exact time, tears are a picture of something greater. Of grace. How? I’m not exactly sure. I suppose in the same way that rain is. Alot of people don’t like rainy days.. They say they’re lazy, or sad, I personally enjoy them from time to time but popular oppinion says that the rain is a curse. And from one side of the spectrum I can understand that point of view. Rainy days do tend to sadden, to sober, and to hinder the joy that the shining sun brings. However, if it didn’t rain, we would have two things gone like stolen works of art from our lives. One: We wouldn’t have the growth that the rain brings. See, rain brings things to life that otherwise would certainly be dead in the summer sun. Plants find their thirsts quenched and their roots growing deeper and deeper. Rain brings life. With out it our world would be dry, and shallow. and Two: We wouldn’t have the appreciation for the days of sun. Have you ever spent a week of rainy days just wishing that the sun would come out at least for a short time? O if he would just stick his smiling face from behind those thick clouds long enough for me to see he’s there. Then finally! After that week, the eighth day is the brightest, most beautiful, sunny day you swear you’ve ever seen!  See, without rain, we’d be lost. Without tears, we’d be incomplete. Of course they are the sign of a broken heart which is sometimes is almost unbearable to have, but without brokenness how could we be healed? It won’t always be rainy, and tears won’t always come down, but for the season they’re around let’s learn to sing. To sing in the storm and to worship through the pain. There will be a day when all our tears are wiped away, and what a day that will be, but until then, there will be seasons of laughter and seasons of tears, seasons of joy and seasons of pain. But God is faithful, and we have those close to us to hold on to as well. And those seasons are equally important in our lives. Where would be with on and not the other?

I cry when I see your eyes turn red and fill like stormy skies. I’m lost inside your pain, but hoping through the rain. I’ll hold your hand,  as long a I possible can, and when I can’t reach you, My God will lovingly teach you. God is strong, I’ve said it before and I’ll sing it long after we’re gone. He is everything we need and He’ll be our storm broken song. I’m lost, but found amidst His love and you are in His hands. I’ll do what I can but He is the one who is there when be there I can’t. So don’t look to anyone but Him when your heart is breaking apart, though I’ll do my best to have the arms that will comfort you finish to start. Should he allow and should we be careful to follow Him step for step, we will one day soon, find ourselves together in His wonderful plan.

What is love? I’ve heard it said before, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m finding more and more everyday love to be a verb. Not a feeling. Not an emotion. Not a greeting card or even a gift.Love does. Not just says. Love acts, not reacts. I’m most certainly not claiming myself to be an expert on the matter. I, in fact, have the most to learn about the subject which, I suppose, is why I’m writing this. I am, once again, digging for treasure. Trying to figure things out. So please bear with me.

I once knew a man who knew the Bible back to front, had the most beautiful prayers, and was always well dressed. This man was in his sixties and was addicted to crack. He had a family, he had a job, but he was painfully gripped by this vice. My point? It is very easy to have it all together on the outside and be a walking tragedy. I find myself to be a walking contradiction very often. Saying the right things but a completely different man in my actions. It’s very easy to speak of love. It is, however, not easy at all to live love. To act it out. To break for people who are lost and hurting. To save people instead of saving yourself. Love is very admirable, so we all act like we’re full of it, but put us under a microscope and you’ll see our lacking hearts. The cure? The Spirit of God. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love,… ” -Gal 5:22a

In a world where greeting cards profess it. Diamonds hail it’s source. Sex puts on a mask and acts the part. And it’s “All We Need” do we really know what it is? Or where to find it? Billions of dollars are spent trying to find it. Children are deprived of it and then promised it by the offender. Parents “fall out of it” just as easily as they fell into it and run away from the co-parent of there children who then grow up to go from relationship to relationship just trying to find what’s missing. Could it be that the God who hangs the moon in the sky has it? Could it be we look under every tree and stone and miss the field in front of us where he paints a myriad of flowers just trying to show us He’s thinking about us? Could it be, if we’d only ask He would fill us with this Love.  And then as He would fill us more and more and more and more we might just find ourselves doing it. “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” -John 15:13

I have no idea how anyone, much much less myself, could ever love this way. Not in ourselves could this love ever be found. It’s not even in the depths of the most “good hearted person”. I think the depth and root of all my frustration lately has been the lack of sacrificial love that I’ve seen in myself. But if I found it in myself it would be synthetic, fake, and weak. It has to come from someone bigger. It has to be God.

God I need. God I plead. For a love that’s not a fruitless tree. I’m tired, so tired of working it out. I’m dying in myself and am crying out loud. This dead end world leaves me feeling alone. And I can’t help the helpless if I’m stuck on my own. Here I go again, breaking a heart. Not only my own which is tearing apart. You are the Healer. Come set me free. Come change my love. God, come and change me. Fill me with you, take me out of the frame. Your hands should the ones hailed in all fame. I’m lost but it’s such a wonderful place to be. That is, if You will come and find me.

“Love suffers long [and] is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether [there are] prophecies, they will fail; whether [there are] tongues, they will cease; whether [there is] knowledge, it will vanish away.” -1 Cor 13:4-8

For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if [he asks] for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will [your] heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!” -Luke 11:10-13

To tell you the truth God is doing so much in my heart, and my life right now. He’s growing me now, probably more than ever. And leading me by His righteous right hand! There are times when it’s painful. But the pain is more than worth the work that He is faithful to complete. Pray for me! I’m excited to see God continue to work. Ps 23

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” -Hebrews 12:1-2

I came to the conclusion a few weeks ago that I had been very wrong about a certain subject. I always assumed writing was a sort of revealing or showing to others what I’d found. A way to exhibit treasure. I recently, however, found that writing was more a search for  treasure. I find so often that when I write, I dig. And as I dig, I find. What do I find? I find things I had locked away inside of me, I find treasures of wisdom not from my own way of thinking, sometimes I find pain, sometimes I find gold. But regardless, tonight I don’t know if I can stick my shovel into the ground. Or even start brushing away the dirt from the surface..

I can’t begin to explain the things that have happened in the last few weeks. I couldn’t begin to tell you the ways I’ve grown, fallen, lived, and died. I can’t tell you the highs that I’ve been on or the lows I’ve lied in. To even write this, to leave out every step and venture means leaving out this journey and I feel the story will be done a dis-service. I wish I could tell of every thought, every emotion, and every word but not only would it take close to a year, it would probably break my heart multiple times. To “sum up” hurts me but I don’t know what else to do. I’ll try this…

Every word and every thought floats in my head like stars up above tonight. But a truth sits like the sun in a some far away sky. I can’t see it’s light, but it’s shine reflects off the moon and she’s more beautiful tonight than I ever knew. It’s dark, that I’ll admit. And nothing is well lit. So that’s why nothing in my head seems to fit just right. But nothing needs to I suppose, not when that sun is bringing life to the cold. I’m lying in the grass, lying flat on my back, and the face of pain is engraved on my memory’s steel trap. But all at once the breeze takes away my concern, as much as it hurts, I’m living to learn. God, You have given me a promise to hold, and told me contentment is found in your word. And I believe, God I believe, but help my unbelief. Faith has an alias, faith is recognized as relief. She only makes it more clear, you only confirm what He’s told me, my dear. And I can’t but sing, I’ll sing in your ear. I turn my face away, so you can’t see the pain. But I know if i showed you, you rescue by praying. I don’t know why this sounds like a lament, for inside my heart dances a jig. Half of it does, and half of it cries. But why? Perhaps the answer is in the night sky. On one side, I’ve said, the sun is above. But on the other the light has been crushed. Is it not the very same sky? It is. Oh it is. Then is one side a lie? I don’t believe it is, not in the least. I believe that the sky is true and at peace. “Then how?” you say “could he have alternate sides?” I’d ask you the same. I’d look at my life. Just because the one half of my face shows signs of pain, doesn’t mean the other isn’t perfectly sane. On the one hand I’m lost and confused, even torn. But on the other I’m excited, revived and reborn. Maybe the darkness is a weight that I carry, but I firmly believe that it’s making me strong. So I’ll not complain. Only echo my song.

I believe we were created for each other. I don’t understand that though. Because, as i’ve told you before, you’re an ocean and I’m a stone. Maybe these two halves of thinking are fighting.. On the one, I rejoice, because I see the work God is doing. And on the other I lament. Why? I honestly don’t know. Maybe it’s spiritual warefare. But the truth is, if this is the fight, I’ll fight it till I’m dead cause it’s worth it.

On a lighter note, I believe God spoke to me tonight. I was asking God where I could find contentment. Was it going to be in my room with the door closed and my face in the bible? On the missionfield? Playing my songs for other human beings? Was it going to be spending time with the girl I’m praying so hard for? The answer is different from what I thought. I believe He told me that my contentment was going to be found in the center of His will. This brought such joy to my heart. This means to me that my fullfilment is going to be found in one place and one place alone! In my Makers will for my life! I mentioned this girl. I believe that He has called me to her. And so if I’ll walk according to His will in His timing and in His strength, I’m going to be more satisfied than I’ve ever been before! And If His will is being by her side, then I’ll be satisfied there. But it won’t be because of anything she or I have done, but it will be because, as His instruments, when we walk in His plan, we are home. John 4:34 says “Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me, and to finish His work.” My satisfaction will come as, everyday, I put my hope in Him and do what He has called me to do. To build the wall. It might be a fight, but with trowel in one hand and sword in the other, I’m not giving up.

As this comes to a close, rejoice with me. Go figure, the weight just lifted.

How do I relate that to life? Everything in our lives seems to be moving, like the sun in it’s orbit. While the sun is in our sky, we rush, we worry, we doubt, we work, we toil, we sweat, we cry. But when the sun goes down, eveything seems to be put on hold. We seem to surrender everything to a night’s rest. You see, just like the sun comes down to the horizon, eventually we have to let go of all of our fears, our worries, our pain, and lay it down before the Creator of this marveous creation! Until we do that, rest can never come, and true peace will never find us in it’s warm embrace. Reminds me of something I was reading today, about sacrifice. Sacrifice isn’t really sacrifice if it doesn’t cost anything. This isn’t a theory I’ve come up with, it’s far before my time. Look as far back as Abraham with Isaac in Genesis 22. God didn’t want isaac dead, he wanted Abraham’s entire heart to be found faithful to Him. I feel certain that Isaac, being God’s promise to Abraham, was worth more to Abraham than anything in the entire world. I feel also, as if this is why God tested Him with his son. His only son. Looking alittle more recent in time I think about David in 2 Samuel 24:24 Which says, “Then the king (David) said to Araunah, “No, but I will surely buy [it] from you for a price; nor will I offer burnt offerings to the LORD my God with that which costs me nothing.” So David bought the threshing floor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver.” You see, David had sinned greatly and when offered a choice of three consequences, he chose to fall into the hands of His merciful God. David said the above statement when he desired to offer a sin offering to God. He wasn’t about to “give up” something to God that didn’t require Him having to actually “give up”. Now looking at our Savior. Jesus paid the ultimate price for the sake of Love. He gave everything to save us. Why? Because Greater love has no man than this, that a man should lay down his life for his friends.

Today I was at a very old fellow’s house. He was a customer, and he had just gotten home from visiting his wife in a nursing home. I don’t know how long they had been married, but he did say they moved to Galveston thirty years ago, which leads me to believe they’d been married for quite a long time. I went on to find out that his wife, as he said, “Half the time didn’t even know who he was.” Or something to that affect. He mentioned something about how when he was in there yesterday… and so on and so on, which led me to believe he more than likely was there everyday to visit her. How could he hold his own broken heart in hand everyday and care for his wife who may or may not recognize him? He loved her. He loved her so much that it must have hurt more for him to go a day without seeing her than it did for her to maybe not know his name. It must have broken his heart more to think that she was alone than it did to not hear her call his name anymore. He must have cared about her so deeply that he put aside everything. The pain. The sorrow. And held her hand tightly. Or maybe holding her hand washed away the pain and sorrow. I don’t know everything about this man’s situation, in fact I don’t know much. I can’t even begin to imagine how he felt. But I know he loved his wife. So much so that it didn’t matter how he felt, he was by her side. He was there for her and wasn’t planning on going anywhere till the end. He talked of having to get rid of her clothes soon which made me think maybe she wasn’t expected to come home. He teared up at the thought. I can’t help but think, if God gave us the picture of marriage as an illustration of His relationship with us then His love for us must be even stronger than this. His hand must always be outstretched to us even when we turn our hearts away, and His heart must always break for us in love. An O so perfect love! One that is completely selfless and unconditional.

I hope this isn’t a rant. I hope it makes sense to you as it does so clearly to me here on my couch, in my living room, this evening. Things must die in order to live. “For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.” -Rom 8:13  We see it in botany, we see it in the sunset, we see it in the sunrise, we’ve seen it in a mother who gave her life in childbirth, and in a man who won’t let go of his wife’s hand. Maybe I’ve put too much into illustrating this point. The simple picture is found out my window tonight, and then reflected through the glass in my heart and my life. Everyday I have to give up. Everyday I have to die. Everyday I do, I find the rest and silence of a peaceful night, and the promise that when the sun rises, His mercies will be new. And though the sorrow lasts for the night the joy comes in the morning. It’s hard to give up. It’s hard to have a broken heart, even if it’s just because it’s breaking under being so full of His goodness and blessings. But the promise is, that when you allow your heart to be broken in love, the One who made it will put it back together better than it was before. “If it doesn’t break your heart it isn’t love, and If it doesn’t break your heart it’s not enough. It’s when you’re breaking down, with your insides comin out. That’s when you find out what your heart is made of.” Let go. Breath in and out and let your heart break if you have to. It’s worth it. It’s all worth it.

God take it all. Every breath. Every sigh. Every smile. And hold it in your hand. The only place my heart and the depths thereof belong. Help me let go. Help me let you, take my burdens and take my joys, and mold me and shape me for the road ahead. I am yours. Help me be yours alone.

For the last few weeks I’ve been seeking God very persistantly. About a specific thing, yes. I won’t say what it is, but It’s been hard to hear. I’ve felt like I had a conch shell up to my hear listening so closely for the sound of the ocean but hearing only my own breathing. I don’t know why sometimes God’s leading is as clear as glass and why at other times it feels like I couldn’t hear Him if He was shouting at me. Why sometimes the answer is as loud as a trumpet’s blast, and other times seemingly unheard.  I was reading Hebrews Chapter Six this morning.. Verse 15 says, “And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise.” This verse is speaking of Abraham. God promised Abraham something. Abraham patiently endured. Abraham received the promise. Seems simple right? So I found myself wondering if I could apply this. But it seems different to me, my situation from Abraham’s. You see, God spoke to Abraham with His voice. Showed him the stars in the sky, the sands on the shore and made a promise with him right then and there. I so often find myself asking God to just speak to me. To just come down into my room for a moment and have a conversation with me. See, I feel like He has promised me something specific, but I’m not sure. So I’m left in this limbo of doubt and question. “Well do I even have a this promise to hold on to? Should I hold on till the promise comes?” Maybe this sounds like a rant to you, and it probably is, but to me it’s heavy on my heart. And I find myself just looking up and saying, “God,  where are you? And why won’t you answer me?” Maybe I have the promise. Maybe I also have a lack of faith. Maybe in time God will reveal it more clearly. But until then I know I should just keep seeking Him and having faith. Why is that so hard? Well the same question applies to why it’s so hard for a ten year old to sleep alone in the dark. Or a blind man to walk to the corner store. But is it? My God has never let me down or given me a reason not to trust Him! I can’t finish this. I probably shouldn’t have written it. I know it’s hard to read pain so I appologize. Just be encouraged that if you’re in the place I’m in, it makes two of us. And God is real. And even when we are faithless, He is faithful. That’s all I know tonight, and maybe that’s enough..