Post Realization of Self-Helplessness

I’ve got to stop writing in the afternoon cause I’m convinced things look comletely different in the sunlight than in the light of the moon (who’s light I think i prefer). Nevertheless, I’m digging around in my mind to try to figure out what’s going on so I move forward…

What is love? I’ve heard it said before, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m finding more and more everyday love to be a verb. Not a feeling. Not an emotion. Not a greeting card or even a gift.Love does. Not just says. Love acts, not reacts. I’m most certainly not claiming myself to be an expert on the matter. I, in fact, have the most to learn about the subject which, I suppose, is why I’m writing this. I am, once again, digging for treasure. Trying to figure things out. So please bear with me.

I once knew a man who knew the Bible back to front, had the most beautiful prayers, and was always well dressed. This man was in his sixties and was addicted to crack. He had a family, he had a job, but he was painfully gripped by this vice. My point? It is very easy to have it all together on the outside and be a walking tragedy. I find myself to be a walking contradiction very often. Saying the right things but a completely different man in my actions. It’s very easy to speak of love. It is, however, not easy at all to live love. To act it out. To break for people who are lost and hurting. To save people instead of saving yourself. Love is very admirable, so we all act like we’re full of it, but put us under a microscope and you’ll see our lacking hearts. The cure? The Spirit of God. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love,… ” -Gal 5:22a

In a world where greeting cards profess it. Diamonds hail it’s source. Sex puts on a mask and acts the part. And it’s “All We Need” do we really know what it is? Or where to find it? Billions of dollars are spent trying to find it. Children are deprived of it and then promised it by the offender. Parents “fall out of it” just as easily as they fell into it and run away from the co-parent of there children who then grow up to go from relationship to relationship just trying to find what’s missing. Could it be that the God who hangs the moon in the sky has it? Could it be we look under every tree and stone and miss the field in front of us where he paints a myriad of flowers just trying to show us He’s thinking about us? Could it be, if we’d only ask He would fill us with this Love.  And then as He would fill us more and more and more and more we might just find ourselves doing it. “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” -John 15:13

I have no idea how anyone, much much less myself, could ever love this way. Not in ourselves could this love ever be found. It’s not even in the depths of the most “good hearted person”. I think the depth and root of all my frustration lately has been the lack of sacrificial love that I’ve seen in myself. But if I found it in myself it would be synthetic, fake, and weak. It has to come from someone bigger. It has to be God.

God I need. God I plead. For a love that’s not a fruitless tree. I’m tired, so tired of working it out. I’m dying in myself and am crying out loud. This dead end world leaves me feeling alone. And I can’t help the helpless if I’m stuck on my own. Here I go again, breaking a heart. Not only my own which is tearing apart. You are the Healer. Come set me free. Come change my love. God, come and change me. Fill me with you, take me out of the frame. Your hands should the ones hailed in all fame. I’m lost but it’s such a wonderful place to be. That is, if You will come and find me.

“Love suffers long [and] is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether [there are] prophecies, they will fail; whether [there are] tongues, they will cease; whether [there is] knowledge, it will vanish away.” -1 Cor 13:4-8

For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if [he asks] for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will [your] heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!” -Luke 11:10-13

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