This Side of the Sky

How badly I want to type it all away! I’m not sure what I feel right now though.. It’s late, I’m in that contemplative state of mind again, and I feel i’ve so much to say but don’t know how or where to start.

I came to the conclusion a few weeks ago that I had been very wrong about a certain subject. I always assumed writing was a sort of revealing or showing to others what I’d found. A way to exhibit treasure. I recently, however, found that writing was more a search for  treasure. I find so often that when I write, I dig. And as I dig, I find. What do I find? I find things I had locked away inside of me, I find treasures of wisdom not from my own way of thinking, sometimes I find pain, sometimes I find gold. But regardless, tonight I don’t know if I can stick my shovel into the ground. Or even start brushing away the dirt from the surface..

I can’t begin to explain the things that have happened in the last few weeks. I couldn’t begin to tell you the ways I’ve grown, fallen, lived, and died. I can’t tell you the highs that I’ve been on or the lows I’ve lied in. To even write this, to leave out every step and venture means leaving out this journey and I feel the story will be done a dis-service. I wish I could tell of every thought, every emotion, and every word but not only would it take close to a year, it would probably break my heart multiple times. To “sum up” hurts me but I don’t know what else to do. I’ll try this…

Every word and every thought floats in my head like stars up above tonight. But a truth sits like the sun in a some far away sky. I can’t see it’s light, but it’s shine reflects off the moon and she’s more beautiful tonight than I ever knew. It’s dark, that I’ll admit. And nothing is well lit. So that’s why nothing in my head seems to fit just right. But nothing needs to I suppose, not when that sun is bringing life to the cold. I’m lying in the grass, lying flat on my back, and the face of pain is engraved on my memory’s steel trap. But all at once the breeze takes away my concern, as much as it hurts, I’m living to learn. God, You have given me a promise to hold, and told me contentment is found in your word. And I believe, God I believe, but help my unbelief. Faith has an alias, faith is recognized as relief. She only makes it more clear, you only confirm what He’s told me, my dear. And I can’t but sing, I’ll sing in your ear. I turn my face away, so you can’t see the pain. But I know if i showed you, you rescue by praying. I don’t know why this sounds like a lament, for inside my heart dances a jig. Half of it does, and half of it cries. But why? Perhaps the answer is in the night sky. On one side, I’ve said, the sun is above. But on the other the light has been crushed. Is it not the very same sky? It is. Oh it is. Then is one side a lie? I don’t believe it is, not in the least. I believe that the sky is true and at peace. “Then how?” you say “could he have alternate sides?” I’d ask you the same. I’d look at my life. Just because the one half of my face shows signs of pain, doesn’t mean the other isn’t perfectly sane. On the one hand I’m lost and confused, even torn. But on the other I’m excited, revived and reborn. Maybe the darkness is a weight that I carry, but I firmly believe that it’s making me strong. So I’ll not complain. Only echo my song.

I believe we were created for each other. I don’t understand that though. Because, as i’ve told you before, you’re an ocean and I’m a stone. Maybe these two halves of thinking are fighting.. On the one, I rejoice, because I see the work God is doing. And on the other I lament. Why? I honestly don’t know. Maybe it’s spiritual warefare. But the truth is, if this is the fight, I’ll fight it till I’m dead cause it’s worth it.

On a lighter note, I believe God spoke to me tonight. I was asking God where I could find contentment. Was it going to be in my room with the door closed and my face in the bible? On the missionfield? Playing my songs for other human beings? Was it going to be spending time with the girl I’m praying so hard for? The answer is different from what I thought. I believe He told me that my contentment was going to be found in the center of His will. This brought such joy to my heart. This means to me that my fullfilment is going to be found in one place and one place alone! In my Makers will for my life! I mentioned this girl. I believe that He has called me to her. And so if I’ll walk according to His will in His timing and in His strength, I’m going to be more satisfied than I’ve ever been before! And If His will is being by her side, then I’ll be satisfied there. But it won’t be because of anything she or I have done, but it will be because, as His instruments, when we walk in His plan, we are home. John 4:34 says “Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me, and to finish His work.” My satisfaction will come as, everyday, I put my hope in Him and do what He has called me to do. To build the wall. It might be a fight, but with trowel in one hand and sword in the other, I’m not giving up.

As this comes to a close, rejoice with me. Go figure, the weight just lifted.

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